Suck & Blow

I walk away from every hang out with an anxious feeling that I've committed a social faux pas. It could have gone off without a perceivable hitch but I'll worry about something. Did I say something insensitive? Should I have offered this or that? Did I overstep?

My social confidence blows. It sucks.

Not today, sister

It's a slow slog up blog hill. Maybe I need to think less about content and just write, no matter how trivial. Ugh, I'm avoiding writing about that which bothers me because I just don't want to drag it out of myself. I don't wish to keep it put, unresolved, but man I don't want to confront it either. Not in the few hours my kid is napping on my two days off. I wish to nap too. Or watch Elementary or some other such show. Do I delve into the years of pain and anger felt toward my former group of friends? Or the recent shock of learning that my mother doesn't believe in evolution and that Jesus made everything, including space? Not today, sister. Imma gonna turn on the ol PVR and watch Jonathan Rhys Meyers in Dracula. Yes, sir.

I Go On

Years ago I started my first blog as a way of writing myself out of loneliness. I wrote often and it was cathartic. I continued to write after leaving my lonely existence in Vancouver to come to Winnipeg where I had many friends. Loneliness conquered, I reveled in the companionship of friends old and new. But six months in, my life blew up. I was at odds with my best friend. It was broken and it wouldn't be fixed. The remaining friends slipped away. Alone again but alone with my future husband.

Together exiled for being together.

There would be no writing this time. A few false starts but little else. My quaint little quiet rage at the ills of society had morphed into a conflagration, a fiery rage directed at my vilifier. Scorching my spirit and searing my creativity and drive, my charred remains could not articulate.

A simmered rage revealed the broken heart beneath.

Broken hearts fade and life goes on. I still feel the repercussions of betrayal and losing friends. Trust is hard. Making the effort to be a friend is hard. Even knowing how to be a friend is difficult. I no longer think about it everyday. My life is so different now. I married in 2010. I had a child in 2012. I'm living in my second house. That life is nearly 7 years behind me. I go on.

The original Book of Eve blog is the me before. Before I was manipulated into the role of betrayer. Before I became a partner and a mother. It seemed appropriate to start anew with a fresh blog. I am not the same but I go on.